The Snowman

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Photo Source: Dark Horizons

For Detective Harry Hole, the death of a young woman during the first snowfall of winter feels like anything but a routine homicide. His investigation leads him to “The Snowman Killer,” an elusive sociopath who continuously taunts Hole with cat-and-mouse games. As the vicious murders continue, Harry teams up with a brilliant recruit to try and lure the madman out of the shadows before he can strike again. – Universal Pictures


The Snowman is based on a bestselling novel of the same name by Jo Nesbø. The film was directed by Tomas Alfredson and written by Hossein Amini and Peter Straughan. I don’t care enough to look into their past work.

What the hell went wrong with The Snowman? A crazy good cast, executive produced by Scorsese and an international best-seller as source material. I don’t have the answer to that question and that has left me sleepless. Not really, but seriously on paper this movie should be fantastic but it’s (s)no(w) good. I suck at writing and have zero experience film making but if you gave me the same budget as Alfredson, I’m confident I could’ve made something better. There’s (s)no(w) reason for this movie to be as bad as it is (see what I did there.) The only conclusion I’ve come to as to why this abomination exists is “too many cooks in the kitchen.” It’s evident that there was too much studio interference and that left The Snowman a convoluted mess.

It’s funny for most part there isn’t any bad acting in The Snowman, well except for that clay monster pretending to be Val Kilmer. Seriously excluding Val Kilmer nobody is bad in this movie, it just seems like they all got different scripts because they are not acting like they’re in the same movie. Fassbender is one of the better actors working today and even he can’t carry this movie. Fassbender is Harry Hole (how is that not a dirty joke.) Harry Hole is legendary police inspector but you have to take everyone’s word for it because all you see him do is be drunk, sleep in alleyways and have the Snowman killer specifically invite him to the crime scenes. I’m confident that Fassbender was actually drunk for the film in hopes that he could forget he was in this garbage.

J.K. Simmons plays some evil business mogul, (I didn’t care enough to remember any names or to look them up) like everyone else in the film he is fine expect for the fact that there’s no reason for him to be in the film. His character serves as a red herring for a majority of the film. He isn’t the Snowman killer but there is still something dark going on with him but just as he gets interesting he is completely dropped from the film with nothing resolved about his character.

Val Kilmer was easily the scariest part of the movie. He may have also been the best part, I’m still not too sure. He plays the former inspector that was investigating the Snowman killer. Literally every one of his scenes could have been cut and it wouldn’t have affected the plot. I’m not even sure it was actually Val Kilmer. Val either got some bad Botox or another actor was wearing a Val Kilmer mask, either one is believable. Every single one of his lines was redubbed for what reason, no one seems to know. The most unsettling part is that it was someone else who recorded the lines. He had like 15 lines, would it really have been that hard to get Kilmer to do the lines again. Honestly though I’m glad they kept Kilmer in the movie. The Snowman was a dull and boring movie, but when Kilmer was on screen I couldn’t help but laugh like a maniac. Truthfully, I only enjoyed the movie when Kilmer was on screen.

Shockingly the directing isn’t the problem with this movie it’s the writing. The directing wasn’t good or bad it was rather bland. There were no shots that awestruck me but there were quite a few that pissed me off. For some reason Alfredson likes to film actors through windows. Maybe he has some peeping tom fantasy but I don’t and it just distracted me further from the film. You can argue the scenes were shot like that to give you the POV of the killer but there’s no way. He even does it when two characters are on the train, something that’s moving at high speeds and realistically no one could’ve spied on them.

The writing is the real problem here. The Snowman has more unresolved plot threads than I have Blu-rays and I have way more Blu-rays than I should. This movie would’ve been 30 minutes long if everything unrelated to the general plot was cut. Just when one of the subplots got interesting they’d drop it like I would drop classes in college. I dropped a lot of classes. On top of the subplots there were random flashbacks for no reason at all. Flashbacks that no character relevant to the story could have because they weren’t involved in the flashbacks.

Fuck this movie. I never thought I’d say I would’ve rather watched Boo 2! A Madea Halloween but I would’ve.

I give The Snowman a 3 out of 10, would never watch again unless they released a director’s cut with Kilmer added to every scene.

No quote because fuck this movie, again.

5 thoughts on “The Snowman

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